A Moon, A Star....and Me

A simple view...one filled with elegance also. That is what it was! The scene reaped of peace--of harmony even--and through the silence of the evening (other than the splashing of a fish in the sound or the wonderfully harsh grating of a tern passing by to go to roost) I heard the sky proclaim many things with its beauty. It was simple. And...it was elegant. So true that it is worth repeating. And there was also a moon and a star...and me.

After a full day ocean side a sound side evening of reflection comes welcomingly...The perfect way to end a perfect day. This evening seems to be enchanted though and I get these hints early on through a most glorious sunset and...a moon and a star.

I look up to see the clearest evening skies that I have ever seen. Nothing mars the striking glowing colors or the clarity...no wisps or puffs of clouds- Not a thing. And yet suspended up on their own accord in that wonderous way in which we all at one time or another wondered how they stayed up there was a single and brilliant star and a brilliant sliver of moon. So close together in the ether they were that they seemed to form a couple. They were a pair. Silently they spoke myriads to me--they spoke of beauty & amazement, of love & life, of wonders of the world, they also spoke of the simplicity but yet mysterious elements of the earth that surround us..the ones we are meant to feel but never truly understand. They are the elements that guide us and befriend our souls. It is a faith. They also spoke of inspiration. Inspiration sometimes seems to come with a price that is lonely. And sometimes inspiration stumbles and falls...until moments like this ~ They are matters of the heart. And sometimes the bittersweetness is felt.

The dusk gives into darkness and the couple still resides high overhead becoming even more brilliant as they arrive in their time. Its a sign that all is right and as it should be. It will become a constant in my life now... among the many memories of this bittersweet trip. It will be one of these constants that you know you can depend on ~ one you can rely on. Although suspended there for all the world to see, I feel like it was just for me...and as I stood there on the balcony...it was a moon, a star....and me.

Finding Muchness in the Clouds

As a child I was a cloud gazer...just what you would expect from a child. I looked up to the clouds and viewed them as friends. I looked up wide-eyed, full of wonder and with an open heart. I was a child with high hopes and even some dreams...this is what makes a cloud gazer. There was no limit to what one could see in the clouds. Who we are help us to shape the clouds in our lives and what we see. I am not sure when I stopped being a cloud gazer...that seems to be lost somewhere in time. But, at 43 years old I have once again become a cloud gazer. It brings back to my life a sense of "muchness"...something that at this point in my life really counts. Muchness--a borrowed term but one that is so fitting that I had to keep it and make it mine. Once I heard the term I realized that just perhaps that my own muchness had gotten lost along the way. As I am searching for my lost muchness I look to the clouds. Seeing their shapes, their sizes, I realize how short lived they are. There one moment and the next, they are gone...gone forever...taking on another form, another personality. Never one to ever be duplicated again...just like a day in life but more fleeting. I often spend time wondering where the clouds above me have come from--how far did they travel to meet my eyes and how many different shapes must they have taken on? I can compare myself to a cloud in that there are many faces and many moods...The bright blue sky is but a back drop to the scene but not always seen, but yet it is a constant. Clouds and shadows lend to color and depth. Some days light hearted and serene, some days melancholy and gray, and yet other days filled with fury. They show their moods--their human-ness. But a cloud is a cloud and all have a personality no less. Free floating and free changing forms with no worry or even a concept of time. Drifters they be as they seemingly drifty by unconsciously. To be a cloud for a day--drifting, floating, no worries, a form of many shapes--to be a wisp--a wisp of a cloud. The feelings of pleasantry that I get from just the mere thought of it makes me giddy..as giddy as a 43 year old cloud gazer can be...I see a glimpse of my muchness...

~ Only a Shell ~

Seashells...I have for so long admired their beauty, the feel of them, and the mystery of them. Some of their mystery is their beauty. And...they are comforting to the inner me. I have many times held them in the palm of my hand and have been exceedingly fascinated by them. I have been awed by their shapes, their patterns, their intricacies. It sends my mind spiraling like the whorl of a shell itself. I have been beguiled by their subtle and simple colors and hues and have been mesmerized by many. All are beautiful, each one with a history that we know not...for it is simply a shell. The part taht we admire, the part that we know the best, is merely a shell...So what do we really know? More than once I have wondered about the true and former occupant--the mollusc--that once lived inside. I am truly curious when it comes to the "heart of the matter".

Recently I was gazing at a small crystal that is hanging in my window. It spins and spirals and life breaks free...A friend of mine gave it to me and as the light reflected through it I was awed at her favorite color...roygbiv..All the colors of the rainbow. And for some reason, the reason unknown to most but made to be known at the time that it must...came through to me reflecting in the reflection. It was then that I realized how much like a mollusc that I really am.

There are very few people who really know ME...and a lot who think they do. What they are seeing, however, is my shell. And as it is that the mollusc inside the shell forges its own shell through the processes of nature, I , too, have forged my own shell. Mine however has been forged spiritually...forever seeking...I am a wandering spirit and a drifter at times. My spirit, my feelings, my thoughts run too deep, perhaps, for those around me who choose not to travel with me. Lonely at times this realm can be...but you cannot beg or teach someone to know you or get one to truly feel the unseen that you do. Its a wealth that remains in the deep recesses of my heart, and my heart alone. At times a curse, but yet a good curse.

We see the empty shell...we admire it. What happened to the mollusc inside who created the shell? Chances are...we'll never know. And chances are that the many around me will never know either. I am a restless and wandering spirit, and a flowing soul, but I am also a mollusc and this is my shell....

~ Letting Go ~

From early on hopes & dreams are hoped and dreamed for us. As we get older and our surroundings shape us we form hopes & dreams of our own. Some are easily achieved & realized & yet others are never attainable. These un-attainable dreams are often hung onto for years. We often hang on to them because a big part of life is the dream--it is what drives us and motivates us. Its the dare. But at some point in life we get lost and so do our dreams. And yet other dreams don't get lost---we just let them go. I have often wondered at what point in our lives should we give up on our dreams...do we get to old to have them? Why do some of us set our dreams so high and big that they are un-achievable--un-reachable?

With our September trip to the coast I found & reached a couple of my small dreams. With these achievements also came the realization that some of my other dreams would always be just out of my reach...they did not have to be but these dreams were mine & mine alone...there would be nobody to achieve them with and me being me realized that after all these years I have never been "just me" and never would be.

The trip was bittersweet for me...being in a place I loved dearly...being in an environment that enthralled me and touches me in the most deepest recesses of my heart and won't let go. Its un-explainable. Its the best and worst kind of love affair you can have. It was on this trip that I "let go" of some of my dreams realizing that I am not one to have my own but share in those of others. I did have my way in the way I let go though.

Infatuation or love? Am I infatuated with the Gulf Stream or am I in love with it? I had never seen it, nor been in it...but now I can say that I have seen it at a far distance...I have seen traces of it come in and dance with and tease traces of the Labrador current. Never mixing, never combining, never becoming one. So much like me. This is in thanks to a man who has been "infatuated" with the Gulf Stream all of his life, but unlike me, has experienced it fully and freely and lives his dream. From above I seen these two confluences interact with each other--intertwining and twisting...with all the colors of a soul if you could imagine a soul having color. The colors weighed heavy on my heart, heavy on my soul. The view yanked all speech from me. And the tears streamed down my face. It was understood by me, by God, and one other person who knew the "infatuation". And as I seen those two currents of ever-flowing life that did not mix, that flowed together but did not become one it was then that I realized that most of my hopes & dreams were big--too big--and like the currents would not mix with my ordinary life.

Is it the mystery, the beauty, or intrigue of it all that I am so fascinated with all of the life of the ocean? An almost of all this life remains un-reachable for me as I am land-bound. A single sea turtle though can bring all of this intrigue to shore for us, but yet build the mystery, build the beauty and then take it back out to sea leaving us longing for more. Being a mere viewer into the tiny lives of several loggerhead sea turtle babies brought all of this awareness about for me. So tiny, so big a world, so much weight to carry on its back...Was it fair of me to add to its burden by casting a dream or two upon the backs of these babies? And yet I did...I needed them---they do not need me. They are free...direction, but yet no direction. Just as life should be. And the tears streamed down my cheeks.

And so, with the currents and with the baby sea turtles I sent my biggest hopes and dreams...with them they can forever drift in the oceans, being free, and not be wasted with me in-land, withering, with no chance of ever being realized.

And so at what point should a person let go? At the point when you can still pass it along to someone who has already realized "your" dream or when you can pass it along to "infinity"...never losing it...not living it, but letting it live...That was my point....

~ Saying Good-Bye ~

Several weeks ago I heard the first indication of the turning of a season. It brought on feelings of melancholy--a tinge of sadness. When I hear the first katydids strum up and placing blame of who did it I know in my heart that the shift has begun and that the summer is starting to forwarn us--to let us know gently in its own way--that it will hang on for as long as it can but that its time is coming. Its tired...its the dying of a season. And for the next few weeks it seems hard to believe its true, but I realize that these dog days of summer are just summers way of venting its fury to having to let go and its way of preparing us for being ready to let it go.

This morning when I stepped outside at 4 am I felt the tiredness and weakness of summer and its voice was thin and frail. The moon was full and bright, there were thin, wispy, and back lit clouds and soul searching stars. I felt the stars, the ether air and the moon glow as I slipped into a light overshirt. Summers song has been replaced with a hint of fall song--crickets--who had the stage all on their own. They are gently pushing out summer and gently ushering in fall. Life being what it is I know we have to accept it, learn our good-byes in a way that we can still look forward to whats in the next season without any feelings being hurt.

All the signs are here--butterfly bushes loaded down with a profound number of different butterflies and skippers on waning blooms, all ports full on the hummer feeders, and nighthawks moving over in numbers. The air is turning thin and crisp. The night skies appear different. And there is only an occasional flicker now and then from a lightning bug that cannot yet let go.

At 7:12 am the full morning moon was still vibrant and clear with an airy-ness of mystery shrouding it in the forms of cloud fingers in front of it. There was a grimness associated with this picture as there is with death, but yet there was a feeling of calm and sereneness that came over me with the view...there was a promise of rest and re-newal, for both body and soul and also for nature in all its forms...

Stirrings of the Soul

"I love you," I whispered into the ear of the ocean. Ever since I've known you, I've loved you. I must see all your marvels, know all your beauty..." And the ocean listened and snuggled still closer to me.

~ Hans Hass, Diving to Adventure

~There is Always Time ~

Even during our working hours there is always still time and space in our hearts and minds for studying, wandering, observing, and enjoying the many natural wonders of the world that surround us. Even in our every day and sometimes too routine lives can we take time for the intricacies that have been gifted to us. I have proved this many times over and evidence can be seen in the jottings of my daily journal of the simplest of observations that I make as I go to and fro just in my work. There is always time...we are surrounded.

The field that you see above was my work location for a week as I endured the sun, the heat, the humidity, and the rain. This field is my office for one week every year. Just by simply being there in the outdoors I am already "observing" nature. This once a year show gives me ample space and time in my working mind to see, to feel, and to hear nature. It is like a stress relieving seminar tied in with my working hours at the same time. It is proof that we are never too busy to enjoy Gods every day gifts to us. I am "in" these surroundings from sun rise to sun set for one full week. So is it really work? Oh yes!! There is a lot of work involved...strenuous and otherwise so I am thankful for this picturesque office!

As I am setting up I am listening to the upbeat chatterings of the barn swallows that zip up and around all day long. Now and then I have to just stop what I am doing to simply watch them when they find a swarming bug cloud. They swoop in tighter and tighter circles as they feast. They remind me that summer is not yet over. There is still time...Across the ways my ears pick upon the bouncing beat of field sparrows in another "office" while the cicadas actually seem to drone on and on--bearing down on us the fact that these are the true dog days of summer. In silence, but on high, the turkey vultures along with a single black vulture stroll on by. I wonder, is it any cooler up there in the ether and beyond? At times they flap and hold their wings descending in a short dive--are they playing? Dragonflies, mostly black saddlebags, patrol the perimeter. A stray ruby-throated hummingbird occasionally zips by--all business--no time to stop and chat. There is a mission to be completed. Here in this field black swallowtail butterflies seem to be the lepidoptera in charge with buckeyes and a few monarchs following close behind. Pearl crescents are the sweethearts of the field though. Each morning around the same time a flock of rock pigeons fly over and in the evening a lone great blue heron calls it a day going in the opposite direction. A pileated woodpecker came bounding by one morning - the only showing for him the whole week. The morning song brings much renewal to the soul on these hot and sultry summer days. Blue grosbeak, robins, indigo buntings being the most notable. Seems like each day, around noon, I hear a flicker. And in the din of the afternoon when the heat is up and bird song is down a goldfinch will go bounding by with his chippering call. Leaf hoppers and grasshoppers make our tables a refuge through the day with an occasional katydid out of hiding. The designs of the clouds that go by are endless. I have found a much re-newed interest in clouds this summer. Renewing my childhood.

Yes, there is always time ~ no matter where you are or what you are doing. These are gifts ~ big gifts that re-new themselves each and every day of our lives. We have only to open our eyes, our hearts, and our senses to receive them....